Thursday, April 11, 2013

One Door Closed In A Hallway Of Options {Pregnancy Loss Continued}

I've struggled for a couple months with writing this post and I'm still not really sure where to begin, so I guess I will begin at the beginning! For those that are new to my blog, hubby and I have had a rough few years of trying to start a family.  

The summer of 2009 I began reading a lot of articles about birth control.  I decided that I needed to stop taking birth control because of what I was learning about how it works and what it does to your health & hormones.  

A little over a year after stopping birth control I had my first confirmed pregnancy, although looking back and knowing what I know now I probably had several early pregnancies I didn't even know existed. I was miscarrying my first pregnancy (that was confirmed) by the time I realized I was pregnant. Before I could even be happy about being pregnant I was being torn apart by emotions and the pain of a miscarriage. Unfortunately, I have never had a pregnancy with complete joy and happiness.  

Each pregnancy after that first one in Oct. 2010 brought feelings of hopelessness, fear, sadness, and worry because I had this looming thought that I would miscarry just like the previous ones.  In the past 4 years we have experienced 6 total pregnancy losses, 2 of those being tubal pregnancies ending with surgery.  

My most recent pregnancy loss was in January and it was a tubal pregnancy that resulted in me losing my one remaining fallopian tube.  The day I discovered I had another tubal pregnancy was a long and agonizing day, knowing that having surgery to remove the pregnancy and tube would be a door being slammed in our face.  The door being our hope and ability of every becoming pregnant naturally.  We tossed around the option of ending the pregnancy by medicine, but after consulting my OB and fertility specialist it was decided that my fallopian tube would not be in good shape after miscarrying the fetus lodged in there & that removing it would be the safest option.  

We both had a complete peace about our decision to remove my only remaining tube so we knew it was the right decision.  Although, it did not make it ANY easier.  I often feel as though I'm in a long dark hallway with one door shut & locked and two other doors barely cracked open waiting for us to pick one to open. The signs on the doors read--IVF or adoption.  

I'm going to an appointment on Friday with the fertility specialist for one final test to make sure everything is in good working order for IVF.  At that appointment I will also have my first consultation for IVF.  

I have mixed feelings about conventional IVF and really do not know how or if we should proceed.  Here are a few thoughts that are constantly tumbling around my head: 
  • I do not like the fact that IVF includes synthetic hormones and other drugs that cause the body to do "un-natural" things.  I try to avoid taking any kind of medicine, so imagining myself taking all these drugs + hormones is very tough! 
  • With the use of all these synthetic hormones and drugs, most people gain weight. I have already struggled with weight gain & lose due to my hormones being out of balance the last few years, so I do not really want to give my body any more reason to gain weight. 
  • I have spent the last 1.5 years trying to get my hormones in balance and I'm finally in the normal ranges. I do not even want to imagine what pumping my body full of synthetic hormones would do to my levels!  
  • I question whether IVF is a little to close to "playing God."  
  • Having IVF does not take away the fear and high possibility of miscarrying. Add to that the HUGE amount of money that we would invest in IVF with a possibility of pregnancy loss makes it very hard for me to want to proceed.  
  • If we proceed with conventional IVF, there is a chance that we will have remaining embryos not implanted that will be frozen for future use.  So then we will have a decision to make of what to do with the remaining embryos if we do not proceed with a 2nd or 3rd round of IVF.  
  • If we do not proceed with IVF we would not have our "own" baby.  It is really hard to think about never having any kids that are our own "flesh & blood" and that look like us. Heck, who wouldn't want a little boy that looks just like B!  
  • It has always been really tough to see pregnant woman, but now that I am unable to ever become pregnant naturally it makes it even more difficult.  If we do not proceed with IVF I will never experience pregnancy, something I have always wanted to experience. 
Since we are moving in a couple months, we have kind of been on hold to pursue any options.  I am hoping after my appointment on Friday I will have lots more information and we can start weighing the pros and cons of IVF and adoption so we can hit the ground running as soon as we move.  

There is an option I have been looking into called Mini-IVF or Natural IVF which includes little to no drugs & hormones. I am seriously looking into this option and hoping I can find a clinic near us that offers this method.  

Since having my surgery in January my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place.  The emotions I have experienced after this loss have been completely different then what I have experienced with prior losses since it was a door being closed, an ending to a chapter in our family.  The stages have grief have even been different, depression has been really tough this time around. I try to remember that God has a plan for our family and that there are kids in our future, but sometimes it is hard to stay positive with the past 3 years of loss.  

Thanks for all the encouragement and prayers you all have given us the past 3 years, it has been a blessing.  Please continue to pray for us as we have some big decisions to make in the next couple months.  Also, I could use your help if you have been through IVF, adoption, or both and would be willing to share your experiences.  I would love to chat with you to learn more.  Also, please share if you have any resources, books, or recommendations about IVF and/or adoption.  If you are not comfortable leaving a comment about your experience, your welcome to email me instead. Just click on the little envelope symbol in the top right column to send me an email.  


  1. I have experienced one early miscarriage (of a confirmed pregnancy) and I can hardly imagine the many you have experienced. {hugs}

    May you have wisdom in exploring the current options.

    1. So sorry to hear you have experienced a miscarriage. So sad that it is such a common thing. **hugs**

  2. I have experienced one miscarriage, and it was one of the most emotionally painful things I've ever been through. I have a lot of the same reservations you do about IVF, and we've been trying to discern if that is where God wants us as well. Praying for you all as you explore these decisions!

    1. Miscarriage is never easy, no matter when it happens. So sorry to hear you have had to experience it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm really struggling with the IVF conventional route, but going the "mini" or "natural" route wold involve a lot of traveling. Just hope we figure out what we are to do soon:) Thanks for the prayers.


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