10 Months Later....

It has been 10 months since I blogged!

The last year has probably been one of the hardest years I have ever experienced in my life.   If you follow me on other social media outlets you know that B and I went through our first round of IVF in January. It was a rough roller-coaster for several months as we navigated this crazy, amazing, marvelous medical procedure.  B gave me at least 1 injection a day (most days it was 2-3 injections) for several months throughout the process.  Two embryos were transferred and I became pregnant with twins. I have always wanted twins and never thought I would be pregnant with twins since I was more then likely a twin.  I was excited for about 1 second before the roller-coaster began its huge decent down the steepest hill and did not stop till I hit the ground REALLY hard.

We are not sure what happened but I lost the twins about 1 week apart.  The Dr still has no answers to why I keep losing pregnancies.   He has 1 more test to run but is recommending I not try again unless this test surprises him and comes back looking good.

Losing the twins was devastating and tough on so many levels. There have been several other things that have happened the last year that has made my life almost unbearable some days. There were days I did not know if I would survive because my heart was breaking so bad.  Through the last year I've learned I can survive and endure a lot, and these trials have made me stronger.  I have had a lot of anger towards God through the last several years of infertility issues, but the last 6 months have brought me to my knees again and allowed me to put my trust in the Lord again.  I can not change and control everything, sometimes things just have to happen in the Lord's time.

I'm still working on picking myself up off the ground and shaking the dirt off.  I have a long road of healing ahead of me with no end anytime soon.  My family & a few great friends have been amazing during this difficult year and have been so supportive.  I have needed them more than they will ever know!

As part of my healing I have been focusing on things I love again--blogging, baking, reading, crafting, and more. And speaking of crafting, my Etsy store, A Modern Hippie Boutique, is open!
Currently I have wreaths and spices for sale.  Here is a sneak peak, but go check out my store to see everything I have for sale.

 I'm having a grand opening sale for a limited time, 15% off your order.  

Just use code "grandopening"

For all the locals that read the blog, I will also be at a couple craft shows this season selling my wreaths, spices, laundry soap, and more.  Stay tuned and I will let you know where and when!  

I'm also selling baked goods again, so if you need your fill of sweet treats let me know! I will deliver to locals and mail to those that love my baked goods but are not close enough for me to deliver. Just email me if you want to order anything. Please go "like" Andrea's Perfectly Blended Bakery Facebook page to stay up to date on my baking business.  

Thanks for listening and I'm so glad to be back from my long blog vacation.  

Til' next time

4 Years and 2 Surgeries Later.....

If you have followed my blog for long you know that the past 4 years have been full of loss, grieving, love, and big decisions in our family.  

When most people think of starting their family, they are naive and think that everything will work out just like they dream and within the time frame they hope. For lots of families, it does go as they imagine with excitement, joy, happiness, and so many more wonderful emotions. Unfortunately, for many other families, even the thought of pregnancy is scary and a place that leaves them on edge and living minute by minute.   

Over the past 4 years we have suffered 6 pregnancy losses, 4 miscarriages + 2 ectopic pregnancies both ending with surgery.  Last January was my 2^nd surgery, removing my only remaining fallopian tube.

It was a tough reality to face, knowing that we could never conceive naturally again.  We both desire to have a child that is biologically ours.  As we were making the decision for my final surgery, both of my doctors (OB and fertility specialist) indicated that we were excellent candidates for InVetro Fertilization (IVF).  This is basically our only option to have a baby that is truly “ours."

Since January I have battled with going down the IVF route for a number of reasons. I actually wrote a post about this, so check it out here for some of the reasons that we have struggled in deciding what our future holds for a family.  

We have met with several doctors, asked many questions, prayed about it, and feel that we are ready to try IVF in order to finally have a baby in our arms.  We know it will not be an easy journey, but we are ready to face it so we can finally have a child of our own.

Image Credit

Unfortunately, insurance does not cover IVF. In order to even begin IVF we have to pay $9,000 cash up-front.  The $9K does not cover any of the hormones or other prescriptions that are required for IVF.  It will be at minimum another $1,500-$2,500 for meds, also not covered by insurance. 

So we are needing at least $10,500 to make our dream of a child a reality.  We have a little less than half of it saved.  We are tentatively scheduled for the January cycle, which means we only have a couple months to get the remaining amount raised. 

In order to come up with the remaining money, we have decided to do some fundraisers.  I will be doing several craft fairs in the coming months as well as selling baked goods, laundry soap, spices, and more. I am also going to be offering sponsorship ads here with 100% going to our "Make A Baby Fund."  More information on sponsorship ads and our other fundraisers are coming soon! 

We understand that not every one can support us financially. So if you are not able to help us out financially, we ask that you help spread the word about our fundraising efforts. Please share our fundraisers with friends and family!

Thank you to our friends & family for supporting us the past 4 years by giving me a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me vent, sending special cards & gifts, praying for us, understanding when we just can not handle some situations, and so much more!  It has not been an easy journey for us, but all of you have made it a little easier. 

I look forward to where the next 4 months takes us and we are praying for a happy ending with a healthy baby!  I'm trying to keep Psalm 37:4 running through my head, even though I am still struggling with why everything the past four years has happened.  I believe, somewhere deep within me, that the Lord still wants to give us the desires of our hearts. 

Delight yourself in the Lord and 

he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

One Door Closed In A Hallway Of Options {Pregnancy Loss Continued}

I've struggled for a couple months with writing this post and I'm still not really sure where to begin, so I guess I will begin at the beginning! For those that are new to my blog, hubby and I have had a rough few years of trying to start a family.  

The summer of 2009 I began reading a lot of articles about birth control.  I decided that I needed to stop taking birth control because of what I was learning about how it works and what it does to your health & hormones.  

A little over a year after stopping birth control I had my first confirmed pregnancy, although looking back and knowing what I know now I probably had several early pregnancies I didn't even know existed. I was miscarrying my first pregnancy (that was confirmed) by the time I realized I was pregnant. Before I could even be happy about being pregnant I was being torn apart by emotions and the pain of a miscarriage. Unfortunately, I have never had a pregnancy with complete joy and happiness.  

Each pregnancy after that first one in Oct. 2010 brought feelings of hopelessness, fear, sadness, and worry because I had this looming thought that I would miscarry just like the previous ones.  In the past 4 years we have experienced 6 total pregnancy losses, 2 of those being tubal pregnancies ending with surgery.  

My most recent pregnancy loss was in January and it was a tubal pregnancy that resulted in me losing my one remaining fallopian tube.  The day I discovered I had another tubal pregnancy was a long and agonizing day, knowing that having surgery to remove the pregnancy and tube would be a door being slammed in our face.  The door being our hope and ability of every becoming pregnant naturally.  We tossed around the option of ending the pregnancy by medicine, but after consulting my OB and fertility specialist it was decided that my fallopian tube would not be in good shape after miscarrying the fetus lodged in there & that removing it would be the safest option.  

We both had a complete peace about our decision to remove my only remaining tube so we knew it was the right decision.  Although, it did not make it ANY easier.  I often feel as though I'm in a long dark hallway with one door shut & locked and two other doors barely cracked open waiting for us to pick one to open. The signs on the doors read--IVF or adoption.  

I'm going to an appointment on Friday with the fertility specialist for one final test to make sure everything is in good working order for IVF.  At that appointment I will also have my first consultation for IVF.  

I have mixed feelings about conventional IVF and really do not know how or if we should proceed.  Here are a few thoughts that are constantly tumbling around my head: 

• I do not like the fact that IVF includes synthetic hormones and other drugs that cause the body to do "un-natural" things.  I try to avoid taking any kind of medicine, so imagining myself taking all these drugs + hormones is very tough! 
• With the use of all these synthetic hormones and drugs, most people gain weight. I have already struggled with weight gain & lose due to my hormones being out of balance the last few years, so I do not really want to give my body any more reason to gain weight. 
• I have spent the last 1.5 years trying to get my hormones in balance and I'm finally in the normal ranges. I do not even want to imagine what pumping my body full of synthetic hormones would do to my levels!  
• I question whether IVF is a little to close to "playing God."  
• Having IVF does not take away the fear and high possibility of miscarrying. Add to that the HUGE amount of money that we would invest in IVF with a possibility of pregnancy loss makes it very hard for me to want to proceed.  
• If we proceed with conventional IVF, there is a chance that we will have remaining embryos not implanted that will be frozen for future use.  So then we will have a decision to make of what to do with the remaining embryos if we do not proceed with a 2nd or 3rd round of IVF.  
• If we do not proceed with IVF we would not have our "own" baby.  It is really hard to think about never having any kids that are our own "flesh & blood" and that look like us. Heck, who wouldn't want a little boy that looks just like B!  
• It has always been really tough to see pregnant woman, but now that I am unable to ever become pregnant naturally it makes it even more difficult.  If we do not proceed with IVF I will never experience pregnancy, something I have always wanted to experience. 

Since we are moving in a couple months, we have kind of been on hold to pursue any options.  I am hoping after my appointment on Friday I will have lots more information and we can start weighing the pros and cons of IVF and adoption so we can hit the ground running as soon as we move.  

There is an option I have been looking into called Mini-IVF or Natural IVF which includes little to no drugs & hormones. I am seriously looking into this option and hoping I can find a clinic near us that offers this method.  

Since having my surgery in January my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place.  The emotions I have experienced after this loss have been completely different then what I have experienced with prior losses since it was a door being closed, an ending to a chapter in our family.  The stages have grief have even been different, depression has been really tough this time around. I try to remember that God has a plan for our family and that there are kids in our future, but sometimes it is hard to stay positive with the past 3 years of loss.  

Thanks for all the encouragement and prayers you all have given us the past 3 years, it has been a blessing.  Please continue to pray for us as we have some big decisions to make in the next couple months.  Also, I could use your help if you have been through IVF, adoption, or both and would be willing to share your experiences.  I would love to chat with you to learn more.  Also, please share if you have any resources, books, or recommendations about IVF and/or adoption.  If you are not comfortable leaving a comment about your experience, your welcome to email me instead. Just click on the little envelope symbol in the top right column to send me an email.