4 Years and 2 Surgeries Later.....

If you have followed my blog for long you know that the past 4 years have been full of loss, grieving, love, and big decisions in our family.  

When most people think of starting their family, they are naive and think that everything will work out just like they dream and within the time frame they hope. For lots of families, it does go as they imagine with excitement, joy, happiness, and so many more wonderful emotions. Unfortunately, for many other families, even the thought of pregnancy is scary and a place that leaves them on edge and living minute by minute.   

Over the past 4 years we have suffered 6 pregnancy losses, 4 miscarriages + 2 ectopic pregnancies both ending with surgery.  Last January was my 2^nd surgery, removing my only remaining fallopian tube.

It was a tough reality to face, knowing that we could never conceive naturally again.  We both desire to have a child that is biologically ours.  As we were making the decision for my final surgery, both of my doctors (OB and fertility specialist) indicated that we were excellent candidates for InVetro Fertilization (IVF).  This is basically our only option to have a baby that is truly “ours."

Since January I have battled with going down the IVF route for a number of reasons. I actually wrote a post about this, so check it out here for some of the reasons that we have struggled in deciding what our future holds for a family.  

We have met with several doctors, asked many questions, prayed about it, and feel that we are ready to try IVF in order to finally have a baby in our arms.  We know it will not be an easy journey, but we are ready to face it so we can finally have a child of our own.

Image Credit

Unfortunately, insurance does not cover IVF. In order to even begin IVF we have to pay $9,000 cash up-front.  The $9K does not cover any of the hormones or other prescriptions that are required for IVF.  It will be at minimum another $1,500-$2,500 for meds, also not covered by insurance. 

So we are needing at least $10,500 to make our dream of a child a reality.  We have a little less than half of it saved.  We are tentatively scheduled for the January cycle, which means we only have a couple months to get the remaining amount raised. 

In order to come up with the remaining money, we have decided to do some fundraisers.  I will be doing several craft fairs in the coming months as well as selling baked goods, laundry soap, spices, and more. I am also going to be offering sponsorship ads here with 100% going to our "Make A Baby Fund."  More information on sponsorship ads and our other fundraisers are coming soon! 

We understand that not every one can support us financially. So if you are not able to help us out financially, we ask that you help spread the word about our fundraising efforts. Please share our fundraisers with friends and family!

Thank you to our friends & family for supporting us the past 4 years by giving me a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me vent, sending special cards & gifts, praying for us, understanding when we just can not handle some situations, and so much more!  It has not been an easy journey for us, but all of you have made it a little easier. 

I look forward to where the next 4 months takes us and we are praying for a happy ending with a healthy baby!  I'm trying to keep Psalm 37:4 running through my head, even though I am still struggling with why everything the past four years has happened.  I believe, somewhere deep within me, that the Lord still wants to give us the desires of our hearts. 

Delight yourself in the Lord and 

he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

This Is Deep--Things I'm Afraid Of

Today is day 7 of blog ever day in May challenge and today's prompt is "The thing(s) you're most afraid of."  

Folks, this is real talk today!  Now I could tell you things I'm afraid of like heights, weird meats, driving down a one way street the wrong way, getting attacked by a shark, dying in an airplane crash, walking around with my zipper down, and other really minor things. But I am sure you really do not care about things like that, as everyone has basic things like this they are afraid of.  

There are a couple things that I'm really afraid of and try to avoid thinking about + hope I never dream about them!  We all have a few fears that stop us in our tracks and maybe even bring tears to our eyes when we think about them so today I'm sharing mine.  

Source

One of the things I'm afraid of is dying during childbirth.  This has always been a fear deep inside me and I'm not sure I have told anyone other than B.  I'm not sure where this fear ever came from but I always imagine myself bleeding to death or some other horrible thing happening that causes me to die, leaving B behind with a newborn and no wife.  This is real people and a little depressing!  

I'm also afraid of people close to me dying--B, parents, siblings, close friends.  

Can you tell B hates pictures?  It is a rare moment I ever get one that is decent of both of us! 

I can not even image having to bury B before we are old + putting our teeth in little cups every night to clean them!  

The best parents a girl could have. I dont know what I would do without them! 

Don't even get me started on my parents, they need to live forever.

Sorry folks, this is deep today but I'm being real with y'all!  

Source via Pinterest

I love this quote.  I do not really think about the things I'm afraid of very much, as I am alive and need to live my life to the fullest!  We need to not live in fear, as the Lord has told us so many times in the Bible.  Here are a couple of my favorites: 

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

What are the things you most afraid of? 

And The Story Continues {Desire To Inspire 4.25.13}

This post was written yesterday and I really wasn't sure if I would ever hit the publish button.  But in an effort to be real and share how I am doing, I have decided to open up my heart a little bit for each of you. 

I'm writing this as I'm sitting comfortably in bed waiting for hubby to get home from work.  He is flying nights right now, so our schedule is all kinds of weird.  

Earlier this week I was chatting with a friend about the decisions (or lack there of) my husband and I were making regarding IVF.  Side note: My test I had a few weeks ago went fine, although painful and one I hope to never experience again. Since the test indicated no issues, I qualify to move forward with IVF if that is what we decide. Anyway, I was being open & honest with my friend about the reasons I'm hesitant to go forward with IVF and that I really do not know if I want to proceed. She really encouraged me to sit down and talk with B about what I want and how I'm feeling about the entire situation.  I am so glad that she pushed me to do this.  

I have continuously put off talking in depth about our options with B because his schedule is busy & he has a lot of stuff to think about with flight school right now.  In my mind I kept telling myself that I just need to wait till flight school is finished, but I realized this was just an excuse. 

I took the opportunity today, while we were eating at a local diner, to talk to B about IVF because I did not know the next time I would have a dedicated amount of time to talk with him.  We had a great conversation over fried okra that included compassionate words, heated debate, angry comments, selfish words, honest opinions, & heartfelt tears (on my part). What came out of the conversation is a realization that I'm still hurting & in grief. And we think that my pain and fear of another loss is holding me back from moving forward 100% with IVF.  I'm not sure if either of us were aware of this or we just were in denial that I keep burying my thoughts + feelings. 

I realized I have not done anything to pursue IVF because deep down I do not know if I'm ready for...

more tests. 

more needles.

more ultrasounds. 

more Dr. appointments.

more waiting rooms. 

more medical bills.

more decisions.

more tears. 

more fear.

more despair.

more loss.

more heartache.

more waiting.

more sadness.

more longing. 

As I sit in my room with tears running down my face right now I have realized that I have a lot of work to do in my heart &  mind to be ready to begin this process of IVF and continuing to try and start a family. 

I have always struggled with confronting my pain & fear, I'm really good at pushing it down as deep as I can in hopes I do not have to ever deal with it.  But my amazing + loving hubby recognized yesterday that the pain of our past losses is still very real for us (especially me) and before we can do anything I need to work through my grief.  I'm really good at putting up a front and "acting" like I have it together and nothing can stop me, but in reality I'm only human and I have a lot of sadness grief, and anger I have not confronted.  

We both really want a baby in our arms but my grief + anger is holding me back from truly wanting this right now.  I know this will be a tough road ahead of me, but with B and others helping me along the way I hope to get to a place that I want a baby and will do anything so we no longer have empty arms. 

I'm so blessed to have friends that push me to do what I need to do, that encourage me, that ask me how things are 'really' going, and love me despite my stubbornness. I'm also thankful for a patient, loving, caring, and amazing husband who is great at telling me how it is and what I need to do in a loving manner! 

I hope that I will someday soon be excited....

To try IVF

About pregnancy 

To get a positive pregnancy test

About the prospect of a baby

To give my husband a child of his own

Until then, I'm focusing on my heart and trying to align my mind & heart to be positive about the future of growing a family. 

I'm linking up with A Royal Daughter for Desire to Inspire.  If you have not checked out her posts this week for National Infertility Awareness Week, go check it out!  This last Monday I had the honor of sharing in her Lies Women Believe About Infertility post. 

One Door Closed In A Hallway Of Options {Pregnancy Loss Continued}

I've struggled for a couple months with writing this post and I'm still not really sure where to begin, so I guess I will begin at the beginning! For those that are new to my blog, hubby and I have had a rough few years of trying to start a family.  

The summer of 2009 I began reading a lot of articles about birth control.  I decided that I needed to stop taking birth control because of what I was learning about how it works and what it does to your health & hormones.  

A little over a year after stopping birth control I had my first confirmed pregnancy, although looking back and knowing what I know now I probably had several early pregnancies I didn't even know existed. I was miscarrying my first pregnancy (that was confirmed) by the time I realized I was pregnant. Before I could even be happy about being pregnant I was being torn apart by emotions and the pain of a miscarriage. Unfortunately, I have never had a pregnancy with complete joy and happiness.  

Each pregnancy after that first one in Oct. 2010 brought feelings of hopelessness, fear, sadness, and worry because I had this looming thought that I would miscarry just like the previous ones.  In the past 4 years we have experienced 6 total pregnancy losses, 2 of those being tubal pregnancies ending with surgery.  

My most recent pregnancy loss was in January and it was a tubal pregnancy that resulted in me losing my one remaining fallopian tube.  The day I discovered I had another tubal pregnancy was a long and agonizing day, knowing that having surgery to remove the pregnancy and tube would be a door being slammed in our face.  The door being our hope and ability of every becoming pregnant naturally.  We tossed around the option of ending the pregnancy by medicine, but after consulting my OB and fertility specialist it was decided that my fallopian tube would not be in good shape after miscarrying the fetus lodged in there & that removing it would be the safest option.  

We both had a complete peace about our decision to remove my only remaining tube so we knew it was the right decision.  Although, it did not make it ANY easier.  I often feel as though I'm in a long dark hallway with one door shut & locked and two other doors barely cracked open waiting for us to pick one to open. The signs on the doors read--IVF or adoption.  

I'm going to an appointment on Friday with the fertility specialist for one final test to make sure everything is in good working order for IVF.  At that appointment I will also have my first consultation for IVF.  

I have mixed feelings about conventional IVF and really do not know how or if we should proceed.  Here are a few thoughts that are constantly tumbling around my head: 

• I do not like the fact that IVF includes synthetic hormones and other drugs that cause the body to do "un-natural" things.  I try to avoid taking any kind of medicine, so imagining myself taking all these drugs + hormones is very tough! 
• With the use of all these synthetic hormones and drugs, most people gain weight. I have already struggled with weight gain & lose due to my hormones being out of balance the last few years, so I do not really want to give my body any more reason to gain weight. 
• I have spent the last 1.5 years trying to get my hormones in balance and I'm finally in the normal ranges. I do not even want to imagine what pumping my body full of synthetic hormones would do to my levels!  
• I question whether IVF is a little to close to "playing God."  
• Having IVF does not take away the fear and high possibility of miscarrying. Add to that the HUGE amount of money that we would invest in IVF with a possibility of pregnancy loss makes it very hard for me to want to proceed.  
• If we proceed with conventional IVF, there is a chance that we will have remaining embryos not implanted that will be frozen for future use.  So then we will have a decision to make of what to do with the remaining embryos if we do not proceed with a 2nd or 3rd round of IVF.  
• If we do not proceed with IVF we would not have our "own" baby.  It is really hard to think about never having any kids that are our own "flesh & blood" and that look like us. Heck, who wouldn't want a little boy that looks just like B!  
• It has always been really tough to see pregnant woman, but now that I am unable to ever become pregnant naturally it makes it even more difficult.  If we do not proceed with IVF I will never experience pregnancy, something I have always wanted to experience. 

Since we are moving in a couple months, we have kind of been on hold to pursue any options.  I am hoping after my appointment on Friday I will have lots more information and we can start weighing the pros and cons of IVF and adoption so we can hit the ground running as soon as we move.  

There is an option I have been looking into called Mini-IVF or Natural IVF which includes little to no drugs & hormones. I am seriously looking into this option and hoping I can find a clinic near us that offers this method.  

Since having my surgery in January my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place.  The emotions I have experienced after this loss have been completely different then what I have experienced with prior losses since it was a door being closed, an ending to a chapter in our family.  The stages have grief have even been different, depression has been really tough this time around. I try to remember that God has a plan for our family and that there are kids in our future, but sometimes it is hard to stay positive with the past 3 years of loss.  

Thanks for all the encouragement and prayers you all have given us the past 3 years, it has been a blessing.  Please continue to pray for us as we have some big decisions to make in the next couple months.  Also, I could use your help if you have been through IVF, adoption, or both and would be willing to share your experiences.  I would love to chat with you to learn more.  Also, please share if you have any resources, books, or recommendations about IVF and/or adoption.  If you are not comfortable leaving a comment about your experience, your welcome to email me instead. Just click on the little envelope symbol in the top right column to send me an email.