Another Year Older....

I thought this weekend would be very difficult for me, but I have been blessed by friends and family loving me!  Turning another year older was not the fear I had towards this birthday, it was knowing I would NOT be pregnant.  Brenden and I have been trying for over a year, and I kept telling myself that I would like to be pregnant by my next birthday...which is today!

This past October I was having some unusual symptoms and decided to take a pregnancy test. The day I found out I was pregnant was also the day I found out I was miscarrying!  It was a rough few months processing what had happened, knowing we had been trying for so long and it failed.  The doctor encouraged us to continue trying, and indicated this is very common.

In January we found out that I was pregnant again. Brenden and I were both hesitant this time, and tried not to be too excited in case I miscarried again.  We were praying for the baby daily, that it would be healthy! Several weeks after finding out, I began to have the same symptoms I experienced in October.  Lots of blood work and two ultrasounds later the Dr. met with us and we found out I was going to also miscarry this baby.  I went from excitement  to complete devastation within hours.   As soon as the Dr. left the room I broke down.  I was so thankful to have Brenden with me that day. Since that horrible day I have been filled with sadness, anger, fear, guilt, depression, and many more emotions! The emotions are so strong that it is hard to even explain them.  One of the toughest things now is seeing anything associated with pregnancy or babies (including babies and pregnant women).  Seeing these things brings all my emotions back--usually anger, jealousy, and sadness. I hate the fact that this happens, but it is just part of the grieving process. 

We will always remember our two babies as October and February, they will be in our thoughts the rest of our lives.  What would they have looked like? Were they a boy or a girl? What would they have grown up to be? Many more questions run through our minds as we think of them, questions that will not be answered till we meet them in heaven.

As the days go on, I am slowly pulling myself back up.  Some days are horrible, other days are great.  The pain of loosing two babies will always be with us, but I know as the days roll on it will get easier.  I would not have been able to survive this without Brenden. He has been amazing through all of this, and it reminds me everyday why I love him so much!

The past 5 months I have learned that miscarriage is very common.  I have also learned that many people have no idea what to say or do when they find out I have miscarried. Honestly, there really is nothing anyone can say that will help someone going through this pain.  I do recommend the following if you find out someone is going through a miscarriage:

Offer to listen--ask if she wants to talk about it.  I never shared with people unless they asked because I did not want to make them uncomfortable.  If someone offered to listen or asked me to talk about it, that was an open door for me to share.  (Thanks girls...you know who you are!)  Talking about it is part of the healing process, so having someone to listen helps!

Take a meal or treat them to a night out.  There have been many evenings in the past few months that the last thing I wanted to do was cook--and that is one of my passions!  Most days I was too emotionally drained to do anything--laundry, cooking, cleaning.

Ask her (and hubby if you want to) out for a fun activity.  The worst times for me are the weekends when I am not working and have nothing to do.  Having plans always helped me get through the day! Ask her out to do fun activities that get her mind off the pain of what she is experiencing.

Pray for her.  I'm sure there were lots of prayers being lifted up for us that helped me get through my days. Offer to pray with her and let her know you are praying for her at other times.

Don't feel bad for having kids or being pregnant when she is not.  Kids are a blessing from the Lord. But don't complain about how hard life is with kids, how exhausted you are from chasing them all day, etc.  I'm sure life is hectic and difficult at times with kids, but she would give anything to have those difficult times if it meant she has children of her own. 

Finally, just be there for her.  Remember her in the months that follow, as the process of dealing with a miscarriage takes months to years. 

Thanks mom, Michelle, Shawn, Jill, Janae, and Brenden for making my birthday special this year!  You will never know how much I truly appreciate it!