Sunday, November 23, 2014

The Fog Will Clear

In my last post I shared a little bit about what has been going on in my life this last year.   B and I have been through 5 long years of infertility and I became very angry & bitter at God and the world. I didn't (and still do not) understand how two people that want something so bad and have been given no medical reasons why having a child should be difficult can not have kids! Watching others around us getting and staying pregnant so easily and then 9 months later have a beautiful baby to hold is so hard to endure. The last 5 years has been a constant reminder of what we can not have and it is hard to stay positive.  I am always happy for everyone around us that are growing their families and I'm never upset with them.  It is just so hard to see everyone else's dreams of a family coming true and our dreams are not.

The last 6 months have been the most difficult part of the journey and at the same time amazing, which doesn't always make sense.  As I said in my previous post, this year has brought me to my knees again in prayer.  My anger is subsiding and I am learning that the Lord has a plan for my life, it just might not be what I pictured.  This does not mean that our dream of biological kids has disappeared, we both still really want a child that is our flesh & blood! But I can not do anything to make that dream a reality right now.

Even though I am reminded almost daily that there is a plan, I still battle with my anger at the world and God. It is a daily struggle.  Every pregnancy and birth announcement reminds me of what B and I will never have.  We still have the disappointment that we will probably never have biological kids of our own even though we both want and desire that so much.  But through all these tough emotions, thoughts, and realities I am learning to trust the Lord again and believe that he has a plan for me and my life.  I may not know or understand his will or timing, but I have to trust.

It is amazing how the Lord brings people into our lives at just the right time and how he uses friends to share things that were laid on their hearts for me.  I have had several instances over the past few months of people sharing stories, verses, or just encouragement.  They always are just what I need at just the right time! 

Casey, who cuts my hair, is amazing and has become a good friend.  Our talks during my haircut are just not long enough for us to catch up!  Anyway, during my last haircut she told me a story about one of her clients and she felt she needed to tell me the story.

There is a woman who has plans to adopt a little boy.  Her and the little boy know each other, but the boy does not know of her plans to adopt him.  He is going through a tough time and really wishes he knew what his future held.  During one encounter the two of them had, the woman gives the boy a hug and tells him that everything is going to work out.  This is just how God sees and comforts us. We do not always know what our future holds but the Lord knows and he is in control.  

I do not know what awaits me in the future. But the Lord is comforting me and carrying me through this time just as the woman comforted the boy with a hug, knowing she had his future in her hands. The Lord has a plan for me but I have to be patient and take it a day at a time.  

Yesterday while I was driving out of town it was very foggy and the visibility was limited.  I could not see that far ahead of me and it was tough to see what I was driving into.  This is kind of how I'm viewing my future right now.  I do not know what my future holds for my family or children.  I've been taking it a day at a time and eventually the plans the Lord has for me will come into view and become reality. My future might look foggy and cloudy right now, but I know it will eventually be clear!

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