Thursday, October 11, 2012

Special Place, Emotions, Support {Day 9-11}

Today is the day I'm getting caught up on the Capture Your Grief Project!  I will try not to be too "wordy" since I am covering 3 days today.  

Day 9: Special Place
My special place is not a physical location, rather it is with B.  Everyone says that going through loss like this will either tear a marriage apart or make it stronger.  Luckily over the last two years we have grown stronger as a couple rather then letting the multiple losses be something that tore us apart.  Our personalities are great together and I think that has helped tremendously.

*I couldn't decide between these pictures and it is to late for me to debate about it any more, 
so there are two pictures for day 9!

As we were getting ready to move to Alabama, actually B had already moved to Alabama,  I experienced another miscarriage.  So when I moved here and we were settling in, there were lots of new people to meet.  One memory I will always have is a night soon after we got to Alabama.  We attended a class picnic where all the families were still meeting and getting to know each other.  Everyone had kids or was pregnant which is tough for me after a miscarriage.  They all kept asking when we were planning to have kids.  Now to be honest before I had miscarriage this question annoyed me (and B) but after having miscarriages this question was like an arrow to the heart.  I was on the verge of breaking down the entire evening and finally gave B the "I have to get out of here" look, so we left.  It was late when we got home so we headed straight for bed.  Once we were in bed and lights out I broke down.  B just held me and let me cry it out.  He has been amazingly patient and caring during my grieving process and that is one of the many reasons I love him! 

Day 10: Emotions/Phases of Grief

This was not the "suggested" topic for today, but I wanted to discuss it.   Everyone grieves differently and moves through the stages at different times.  We can not force ourselves to go to the next phase, it just happens.  Understanding the stages of grief has really helped me not feel like I'm a crazy person!  

Phase 1: Denial.  Looking back, all of my losses have been different.  Some of them I know I did not stay at this stage long and others I have.

Phase 2: Anger.  I'm an expert at this stage and I seem to get here really quick!  The littlest things set me off and make me angry at people and God.  This most recent loss has been the first time I've been upset with the doctors.  We have been working for a year trying to get my hormone levels normalized and we finally got to that point 3 months ago and received the green light to start trying.  So going into this pregnancy I had a sliver of hope it might end well.  Unfortunately it did not--enter anger!  

Phase 3: Bargaining. During this stage I usually bargain with myself and start eating better.  As I mentioned in Day 4 I eat junk food as soon as I hear the news I'm miscarrying   By the time I get to Phase 3 I tell myself to stop eating the garbage food and I start cooking at home and eating healthy again.  

Phase 4: Depression.  I seem to experience this from the very beginning and I have my ups and downs.  I have found that if I can stay busy enough I can help fight the depression.  Once I give into it I battle it for longer.   Depression and anger seem to be the two stages I  hang out in for a longest!

Phase 5: Acceptance.  This phase is tough because I seem to get to this phase and it happens all over again. Even though I accept what has happened I never will forget.  

Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family
Since B was the highlight of day 9, he doesn't get to be the highlight for day 11.  Although he is VERY supportive and patient with me and is the highlight of everyday.  Ok, I'm done being cheesy!  

When I think of friends and family that have supported me through the last two years several come to mind.  Please do not think you have NOT been supportive if you are not included, because everyone in my life has been amazing!  Instead of one picture for today, I'm sharing three.  

My first two miscarriages happened when we lived in Kansas.  I had two close, wonderful friends at my job who were both very supportive.  If it would have not been for these two amazing women I dont know how I would have made it through those first few days after the miscarriages.  Even though I'm in Alabama now I can still depend on them to be a support. Thank you girls for everything, I cant wait to get back to KS so we can chat in person and not via skype, text and phone!  

Another friend that comes to mind when I think of my support system, is my roommate from college.  She lives in Colorado so even when I had my first two miscarriages in Kansas she was not able to be a support "in person", but she was wonderful long distance support.  She has consistently called me throughout all of my losses to check in, listen, and pray with me. Thank you so much Di for knowing and understanding what I'm going through! 

My mom has also been a great support.  We have always talked on the phone every week, and she always asks how I'm doing and if I need anything.  I know it has been rough for her to be so far away, as it has been for me.  It is like when you are sick and no one can make you feel better except your mom.  I always tell B, my mom would know how to make me feel better or at least rub my back!  Thank you mom (and dad) for all your support and prayers, I dont know what I would do without you.  By the way, we need to get some better pictures of us together. I dont have very many and this one is old!  

Well if anyone is still reading, thanks for sticking with me for a long post!  I know I promised I would have some other posts mixed in this week, but I havent had time.  I did do a guest post for my SIL over at Marigold Road yesterday, so go check it out for a yummy cookie recipe. 

Til' Next Time,


  1. Oh Andrea....crying buckets before work over here! I am praying like a crazy women for you! Wish we could be closer. Not surprised to see your mamas pic...she is a great support to everyone she is with...I love her so!!! Give B a hug for all of us! We love you!
    God is good...all the time...God is good!

  2. Oh Andrea, your post has me heart is broken for you! But then, tears are a part of grieving, the topic of this post. Being a grandparent during these losses is difficult because the grief is two-fold. We grieve for each precious little life that moves from this world to the arms of God much, much too soon, knowing that we will never cradle this grand-baby in our arms!! But then we also grieve for the pain, sorrow, anger, helplessness....that our own sweet child is suffering through and knowing that nothing we say or do will change the fact that our child must grieve. I'm praying for you and wishing I was closer.


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